Now for something completely different!
♫♫Iggy is fun, Bouwmer gets drunk; it’s the Calgary Flames!♫♫
The following is an account of how the game vs. Calgary SHOULD go Saturday night based on the fact that the Vancouver Canucks are far and away the better team.
Just ask Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
The account has been translated into a bar setting/sitcom/movie scene.
The setting is at a pub in Calgary called Sucker’s.
The Intro
Meet the cowboy.
The cowboy is a scruffy lookin’, fairly tall guy in the stereotypical cowboy hat. He wasn’t the best looking man; slightly less than good looking enough to sneak into the play…book of a good looking woman.
Looking to move on up in the world, the man entered Sucker’s Pub in downtown Calgary.
Meet the cowboy.
The ambience was frail; as if a fight could happen any moment.
The cowboy looked across the room and sitting at the bar was a stunning beauty of a woman; long flowing hair and sharp eyes.
She looked at the cowboy. He approached her at the bar and she thought to herself, “This man looks familiar, as if he’s been in this city before.” His presence made no sense if it was in fact the man she thought it looked like.
“Hey baby! What’s your name?” he said.
“I’m Canooka. What can I do for you?” She looked at him with a strange eyebrow raise; not a good one.
The Exciting part where EVERYTHING happens and we find out more about the characters through the use of PUNS
You can write your own script from here on out but let’s just say the cowboy was looking to score on Canooka and got shut out.
His low ranking scoring average just wasn’t enough to woo Canooka. In fact, Canooka was insulted when the cowboy asked her if maybe later they could Iggy with it.
What the cowboy was thinking can only be blamed on obvious pre-drinking prior to heading out to the pub. Just a few shots could’ve done this cowboy in.
Alas, Canooka didn’t really have much to worry about going into the whole scenario.
First of all; she was the hottest woman in town; while she was in town. She had been on a road trip through the American Midwest, with stops in Denver, Nashville and St. Paul. Along the way, she rejected and turned down other desperate men all trying to climb the awesome scale just a little bit.
After all, time was running out for them because come April, they would just be too attracted to the golf courses rather than the women.
That being said, Nashville had some lookers. They’ll probably postpone their tee times until about May.
Canooka thought back and she just knew she’d seen this same guy in every city along the road trip. It was as if he hated the city he was supposed to be in. It still made no sense but the fact this man had finally decided to approach her here in Calgary where he’d been before was a little calming.
Anyhow, back to the encounter at Sucker’s. Her conversations with the cowboy involved among other things, Bouwming, but the guy just didn’t get the point.
He pressed and pressed but could not score. He even tried to impress with the fact he scored three times a few nights ago but she didn’t buy it. After all, that was OLLI in Phoenix.
Phoenix is just Winnipeg’s sloppy seconds and Flames fans know all about sloppy seconds.
After all, that was OLLI
Heck, despite an ankle injury and a minor staph infection to a finger, Canooka was completely able to give the cowboy a kick in keester and rush off home where she would be oooh’d and awww’d at from afar.
The Conclusion
That night back in Calgary, it’s safe to say Canooka played all her ace moves. Her #1 secret is to not go for greasy haired guys. Her #35 secret is to avoid Calgarian red-heads.
Now she only reveals secret #34 on special occasions, but the key to it is to utilize it with secrets #22 and #33; IF and WHEN #14 isn’t exactly working.
Let me put it this way: she knows to use her twin magic.
Needless to say, this cowboy had no hope in hell’s hammock to score on Canooka, the lady from Vancouver.
Maybe it was cruel of Canooka though to not give him much of a shot. She was trying so hard to ignore him that he was out to lunch when it came to hooking her attention or holding a coherent conversation longer than 5 minutes.
The night was over and the cowboy attempted to one last time to snare Canooka. He even yelled her name out in the parking lot.
Finally, she knew without a doubt why she recognized the man.
Canooka looked back at the shout of her name and simply said, “SUCK IT PHANEUF.”
Aside: Canooka could only assume after heading home on the back of 6’5″ giant Byron Bitz that Phagoof was scouting the Canucks for NEXT Saturday’s tilt vs. the Leafs at Rogers Arena.
Puck Drop is at 7pm on…HOCKEY NIGHT IN CANADA (CBC) and on Team1040 Radio.
Author’s Note: I know this was really silly. If you’ve read this far, you are an angel.
Game Notes:
- Ryan Kesler missed practice Friday but will play.
- Keith Ballard sat out Thursday in Minny and has been sent back to Vancouver for treatment on an undisclosed injury. (as per @vancanucks)
- Henrik Sedin will play AGAIN barring any more setbacks with his ankle, but don’t bet on it.
- Byron Bitz will likely play again with the twins after setting up Henrik for a goal vs. the Wild.
- Roberto Luongo will get the NATIONAL television network start between the pipes.
